I could tell you the problem
  if you'd just stop complaining
From the hole in my umbrella
  I can tell it's not raining
And you're the only one who's getting wet.

Your glances are cool;
  They're cold as a glacier
I'd know the right words
  If it weren't for aphasia
So don't mind my mumbling underbreath.

I want a girl who's as smart as you
But that's not all, good looking too.

Gonna pop my eardrums
Yeah I'm gonna bust a drum
I'll be deaf at twenty-two
And dumb at twenty-one.

Your insipidity leaves no room for serendipity
Your inanity calls for profanity
Yes, you look delicious, but not very nutritious
Somewhere between fishes
And porcelain dishes.

Memories are made of cheese
And I'm pouring out the whine
Can't you see I'm on my knees
Won't you be my valentine?

If I had a dozen ruses
I'd use them all on you
But I'm still making up excuses
For the things I never do

This is a song about
  The way I feel right now
This is a song about
  Papercuts and broken vows
This is a song about
  The way I stop and never start
This is a song about
  That girl who broke my heart,
  That girl who broke my heart,
  That girl who broke my heart.
The letter F is for 
  the First time I saw your face
The letter U is for
  Undying love that's been replaced
The C and K are for
  the Clueless way I Killed my part
And the letter U is for
  That girl who broke my heart,
  That girl who broke my heart,
  That girl who broke my heart.

You're so terribly so and I don't know
Where to go with this line of questioning
Feeling unbearably hope-
less at the end of my rope
I just can't cope with this festering.

How do they do it
And why won't they stop
I don't wanna know
How you slept to the top

Take a hiatus
Or you'll satiate us
And you'll never eat lunch in this town again

And then you'll be a loser
A Sunset-Strip cruiser
A washed-out West Hollywood has-been.

I'm so terribly me and I can see
You agree so we won't dwell on it
I would sell you my soul if that was the toll
For now I'm whole but I might have to pawn it.

Can you keep a secretion
From one of life's little lesions?
You're a cut above, and I'm in love.
The way you bleed, you're all I need --
  We all could use a little ooze
  To take away our blues.

I got a package of gum
  and a bucket of screws
Plastic explosives
  and nothing to lose.

Gonna come on over and steal your heart
Put it in a freezer bag,
In a shopping cart.
Sell it on the corner for a bottle of wine,
Get bloody drunk
And rant and opine.

Sights of beauty seldom pass
And when they do, I feel an ass
Not literally -- I lack a lass
Butt I can feel I'm out of gas.

(Got to get my motor runnin'
 Got to set my mind to cunnin'
 Linguists say it's all just punnin'
 A million's what I'm lookin' for one in.)

More tea.
  Morte.
Moriarty.
 More alley tea.
  Morality.

Shopping for bimbos!
Buy one get one free!
I've gone shopping for bimbos
But now they're coming after me
  Get one free!
  Shopping spree!
  After me!

Let me tell you all the things
I've got inside my cell
Records, tapes, CDs and more
Old food that's starting to smell
A stamp collection, a reading section
Some posters from punk rock shows
A big green bed, a plant that's dead
A pile of underclothes.
Some glow-in-the-dark stars,
Old MRRs,
A year-old Rolling Stone.
An overhead lamp,
A 15-watt amp,
A rotary telephone.

I think I'd rather be anywhere else but I'm compelled by circumstance. 
It's this hypnotic tranquility that leaves me in a trance.
I think I'd rather just be with you
But I can't think of anything that we could do. 
Except not be alone.
Sit here and stare at the telephone.
My car's got a full tank of gas.
If I drive for a while the mood might pass.

When love is cliche then hatred will rule.
Why be sweet and tender when you can be mean and cruel?
Lovin' is over, it's all mayhem and ruin.
Kill everyone; Hitler stopped too soon.
Death's indiscriminate.  Death knows no mercy.
Kill Bill and Nancy.  Kill Byron and Percy.

I could write another verse just to see your sweet reaction
but I don't even want to give you that tiny satisfaction.