THE KEITH 'N' CHRIS SHOW ------------------------ Chris: Today we have on the show a man who claims to be the antichrist! Mr.-- Man: Moses. John Moses. Nice to meet you, Chris. Chris: Mr. Moses, pardon my asking, but for a man who claims to be the antichrist, isn't Moses a rather Christian name? Man: I knew you'd probably ask that. Well, all I can say is, names are just names. My father was named John Carpenter, but he never built a house in his life! Chris: But if your father was named Carpenter, how did you come to have the last name of Moses? Man: Well, I had it legally changed. Can we move on, here? Chris: Certainly. Now, Mr. Moses, why exactly do you claim to be the antichrist? Man: Well, that's kind of an interesting story. When I was a baby, I used to cry a lot at night. Once, my mother was so flustered, she declared "That boy's the antichrist!" Chris: And the title stuck, then? Man: Well, no one actually calls me the antichrist, but I get very upset when I realize... Chris: Realize what? Man: That I'm the antichrist. Chris: That must be a terrible feeling. Man: Exactly. And I've tried to dispel the notion. For example, I've changed my name to Moses, but it hasn't helped. Chris: Well, that's about all the time we have. Any last messages for our viewers, Mr. Moses? Man: Yeah. Uh, love your brothers. Chris: Thank you, Mr. Moses. We've been talking to John Moses, who claims to be the antichrist. Keith: Sorry to interrupt, Chris, but we have an important interview with presidential candidate Bill Clinton coming up in 3... 2... ... Ann: We're here in Arkansas, where Governor Bill Clinton makes his home. I suppose most governor's have to live in their home state. Clinton: That's very true, Ann, and I think it reflects the decline in family values in America today. Ann: Family values... tell us a bit more about that, Governor. Clinton: Family values are very important to me. They are an integral part of American society, which should not be lost in the shuffle, just as Americans are losing their jobs to foreign countries, and thus the entire nation is losing much of the good old American pride which I intend to reinstill as president. Ann: Let me rephrase the question, Governor. What kind of family values, specifically, do you mean? Clinton: Well, I'd put Hillary at about $13,000, and Chelsea somewhere below that, though she's a fairly sure investment that will probably experience rapid growth in the next few years. Ann: Thank you, Governor. We now return to our studios. Keith: Thank you, Ann Ouncer, and we look forward to your interviews with other presidential candidates in the future. Right now we have in the studio with us, Dr. Thomas Ruther, an expert on names of things. Dr. Ruther, nice to have you on the show. Ruther: You're welcome, Keith. I have a question for you, to start off. What would you call that thing on your... uh... pentatoe... uh... [he motions] Keith: My foot? Ruther: Uh, yeah. What do you think that thing on your foot would be called? Keith: I'd have to call it a shoe, doctor. Ruther: And so would almost every American these days. But the fact of the matter is, the correct term to use would be "footwear". Keith: Well, certainly, I've heard that term used before, but it's much easier to call it a shoe, I hope you'll agree. Ruther: It may be easier for you, but the term "footwear" brings with it the words "foot" and "wear", and the meaning of "footwear" can thus be derived as something worn on the foot. Keith: Well, everybody knows what a shoe is. I don't quite see your point. Ruther: Very well. If I must prove my point-- Imagine, then, a spaceship that has just arrived from Mars. The aliens have no idea what anything here is, but when they see the word "footwear" they are able to deduce from that that footwear is something worn on the foot. In this way the term "footwear" carries with it the image of itself - once you know that it is something worn on the foot, you can easily visualize a foot with something worn on it, and deduce that the "something" is, in reality, footwear. Keith: Not to badger you, doctor, but how would these aliens know what a foot was, and what meaning "to wear" had? Ruther: Oh, don't go telling me you believe in aliens, now! Keith: But, doctor, you're the one who brought them up in the first place! Ruther: I did, didn't I? But the correct word for aliens, is, of course, extraterrestrials. This will explain that the beings in question are "extra", which means in excess of, the "terrestrials", or earthlings, which means they must have come from someplace else. Keith: So you'd say that they're aliens. Ruther: Right. Keith: You're a loony. Get off the show. Chris: And now, it's time for "Dick Daring", as sponsored by Trojan brand condoms. Remember: If you're going to Greece, you should use one of these. When we last left Dick Daring, he was sitting in an eskimo igloo and discussing politics with a talking seal. Seal: Sea lion. Chris: Sorry. Dick: As I was saying, there are simply too many dead weights in Congress today for anything to be done. Sea Lion: I agree, Dick. But it seems a bad time to talk politics, when Rupert XIII, the intergalactic space raider, is standing at the door waving a laser pistol rather menacingly. Dick: Why you're right. This looks like a job for... DICK DARING! Dick Daring, with nothing but his wits and his trusty hand-sewn briefs, prepares to take on the forces of evil yet again! What I need is a plan... Sea Lion: It's a bit late for that. Arf arf. Dick: I must take on a disguise! I shall pretend that I am NOT Dick Daring, renowned adventurer! Rupert XIII: So! We finally meet, Dick Daring. I've been waiting for this moment. I've been looking forward to seeing the look of terror in your eyes when I finally struck you down! Dick: But I'm not Dick Daring! Rupert: You just said you were. Now, say your prayers. Dick: Look, I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding. Perhaps the hospital records were switched? [gunfire] Chris: And thus we conclude the epic tale of Dick Daring, adventurer extroardinaire, presented by Trojan brand condoms, now with 50% less tar. Not recommended for pregnant women or those with cardiovascular difficulties. Keith: Does it say "keep out of reach of children", too? Chris: No, not that I can tell. Keith: Speaking of children, we have a bulletin here. It appears that the FDA has enacted a ban on cats after a child was killed due to inadvertently swallowing it. Chris: That's a mouthful. How did the kid manage to swallow a cat? Keith: Well, you know how little kids are. Anything they find lying around, they'll promptly put in their mouths. It's really very sad. Chris: Yeah. Well, the rest of the bulletin says that all cats should be returned to the retail outlets they were purchased at, and can be traded for venomous Amazonian snakes if desired. Keith: Venomous Amazonian snakes? But those sound much more dangerous than a cat! Chris: True, but have you ever seen anyone swallow a snake? They're so much longer. Keith: I guess that would explain it. Chris: We now go back to Ann Ouncer, with our next presidential candidate. Ann? Ann: Well, Chris, I'm here in California where the Green Party Convention has just concluded. Chris: Excuse me, Ann, but we're not getting any picture here. Are you sure you've got your camera set up right? Ann: Quite sure. You see, it's very dark here. The Greens have really taken some conservationist views, and to demonstrate their adherence to those views, they have held their entire convention without any electricity. In fact, I'm glad my camera has batteries! Chris: Interesting. Tell us Ann -- who is the Green Party candidate for 1992? Ann: Well, by all accounts, it's a Mr. Fred Green. But his candidacy at this point is uncertain. You see, without any light, they haven't been able to count the votes to verify the results. Chris: Don't they have flashlights? Ann: Well, those all use batteries, and the Greens policy is that batteries are wasteful, and that only rechargable ones should be used. And all the rechargable batteries here are dead by this point, and as I said before, there is no electricity to recharge them. Chris: Sounds like a bit of a dilemma. Ann: Well, it's not as bad as it sounds. Sunrise is in about 9 hours now, and the Greens have all agreed to stick it out overnight. In fact, I have Mr. Green right here... Mr. Green, would you-- Man: Sorry. I'm not Mr. Green, I'm Mr. Yellow. I haven't seen Mr. Green since dark. Ann: I haven't seen a thing since dark. Well, while I have YOU here, Mr. Yellow... could you tell me a little about the Green party platform? Yellow: The main principle behind the Green party is that humanity needs to stop just taking, taking, taking from the earth. We need to give something back, before it's too late. Ann: And what solutions have the Greens proposed? Yellow: The general agreement is that we should impose a recall on most natural products. Put the gold back in the mines, the water back in the rivers, and so on. Ann: But isn't this a bit impractical? Yellow: We must all make our sacrifices, you see. It's for the betterment of planet Earth. Ann: And there you have it-- live from the Green party convention, I'm Ann Ouncer. Keith: Thanks again, Ann. We consider it a real duty to keep our viewers informed about election topics. And now, the results of the latest Keith and Chris show poll: 49% of the respondents said yes, while 50% said no. 1% were undecided or uninformed. This continues a long, narrow battle between yes and no. Yes showed a gain of .8% while no lost .6%. Over the years yes and no have often traded places on the polls, staying very close to 50% each most of the time. Chris: We have a report here that yesterday violence broke out after a man carrying a "yes" sign and spouting positive slogans ran into a "no" man. After a heated battle of words, the two resorted to violence. Both are now being treated in a neutral "maybe" hospital. Keith: Tragic. So tragic.