Scene i, Act i, i i, cap'n.
Setting: The throne room of Zandar, King and Queen, in the planetary
system of RUD69, (upper right pegasus, behind MCHAMMER666).
Zandar: Received transmission, sir.
King: What transmission, son?
Zandar: The one you requested, sir.
King: Quit calling me sir, son!
Zandar: Quit calling me son, sir.
King: But you are my son.
Queen (laughs).
Zandar: Ok, King, whatever.
King: So, how 'bout that transmission?
Zandar: The transmission was requested in you last lifetime, by
you, king, with an earmark for urgent reply.
King: Where's it from?
Zandar: Hell if I know. Ask the computer.
King: Computer!
Computer: $.
King: What's wrong with the computer?
Zandar: Hell if I know. Ask the engineers.
King: Guard!
Guard (enters): YES SIR!
Zandar: I need a cigarette. (goes).
Queen (follows).
King: Are you a good guard, Guard?!
Guard: YES SIR!
King: Are you a loyal servant to the King?!?
Guard: YES SIR!
King: Are you a loyal servant to the kingdom?!
Guard: YES SIR!
King: Did you sleep with the Queen?!?
Guard: YES SIR!
King: At ease.
Guard: yes sir.
King: Guard...
Guard: She ordered me to, sir.
King: Yes, yes, never mind that, never mind that. Just..
Just go get me an engineer.
Guard: I can't, sir. They're all at the
Really Boring Science Stuff Convention.
King: Can anyone else fix the computer?
Guard: Well, yes.... sort of.
King: Who?
Guard: The Programmers, sir.
King: Get me one of them, then. Do you think one will be
enough?
Guard: Eight is Enough, sir.
King: Change the channel.
Guard (leaves).
King: Yes master? No master... No master... Yes,
master..Sorry master.... I'm sorry master! Sorry
master!!!
(Queen, Zandar, Queen and Buckwheat enter.)
King: Ahem.
Zandar: I heard you call for The Programmers.
King: Yes, so?
Zandar: They're freaks, sir.
King: As long as they fix the computer.
Zandar (takes a drag).
King: By the way, Zandar, you're not my son. You're the
guard's child. I don't love you or the queen.
Zandar: I'm just a poor boy...
Members of Queen: Nobody loves me..
Guard(enters): He's just a poor boy from a poor family..
King: Something... Uh.. life...Uh... Monstrosity!
Queen: Shut up. Get out of here, and take David Bowie with
you!
MoQ: Sorry.. (they leave).
Various Raffle and Debutantes: (Enter)
King: Who are you people?
VRAD: #include(iosys.io)
void main(){
char string[][];
string[1]=(we're);
string[2]=(the);
string[3]=(programmers);
string[4]=(,);
string[5]=(sir.);
int loop = 5;
while (loop != 0){
cout string[loop];
loop = loop--;
}}
King: What in Zandar are they talking about, Zandar?
Zandar: I have no idea. I had a public education.
Buckwheat: Dey B da beddie di de programmahs, suh.
King: (to Zandar): Wha'd he say?
Zandar(back to king): They are the programmers, sir.
King: How do you know that?
Zandar: They teach 'e-buck-onics' in public schools, sir.
King: Thank god.
David Bowie: God should be capitalized, sir.
King: Sorry. Now, Programmers...
VRAD: void private init(main.java.aux.*)....
King: If you keep that up, I'll take away your beer rations.
The Programmers Formerly Known As VRAD
(Various Raffle And Debutantes)://Sorry, sir.
King: Can you fix this computer?
TPFKAVRAD://What's wrong with it?
King: It's broken.
Programmers://oh, is that all.
King: Fix it.
Programmers://Computer!
Computer: ?.
Programmers://Stop or we'll go UNIX on yo' ass!
Computer: !!!!
Programmers://We now pray to the evil god of nerdy Operating
//Systems...
cin<<"Steve Jobs!"<<1100101101!;
//hahahaha!
Computer: I'm sorry Dave. That's not possible...
Daisy....daaaaiiisyyyy...
King: You killed it!
Programmers://It had the mind of a Speak 'n' Spell.
King: Where are we going to get another speak 'n' spell at
this hour?
Programmers://That's the message, sir.
King: What message?
Programmers://The message from earth about the replacement Speak
//'N' Spell CPU.
King: You read my private messages?
Programmers://We used to work for America Online.
King: Fuck!
Programmers://That'll be $51.50, sir.
King: Computer!
Computer: ?.
King(to programmers):The computer works when it's broken?
Programmers://It's 'The Microsoft Fix.'
King: Play back message!
Egassem: "!wo wo wO !wO"
King: Computer!
Computer: ????
King: Play forward the message!
Message: "Ow! Ow ow ow!"
Zandar: It must be the language spoken by the strange
inhabitants of the planet from which this message is
sent!
Zandar: Whoa!
King: Groovy. Message!
Message: What?
King: From hence dost thou originate?
Message: I host thou origination henceforwith The Left, Sir.
King: Wha'd he say?
Buckwheat:Dat he did sai des meen dat he baby di be diabah.
King: Zandar?
Zandar: Buckwheat proposes this hypothesis;
The origination of this message can be pinpointed in
the galactic sphere through Light Resolution
Triangulation, Thus the location will be tracked
and recorded through the new Visual Telepathy
Transceiver being built right here in the laboratories
of your own castle by the ex- air traffic
controllers from the Reagan Era!
Buckwheat: Dai Be Daibah!
King: Okey dokey. Let's do it. And Buckwheat?
Buckwheat:De be di?
King: You're fired. Get the hell out of here.
Buckwheat:Oh, well. Come on, David, lets go. (they leave).
Zandar: To the Transceiver room!
King: That's my line.
Zandar: Sorry, sir.
King: Don't call me sir, you bastard.
Act II, Scene II, Setting II:
EARTH.
Earth: (enters).
Rear curtain:(Goes up, revealing Los Angeles. Embarrassed, goes
back down).
Billy: "Ow! Ow ow ow!"
Billy's Mom: Get those quotes out of your mouth, Billy.
Billy: But mom, with the quotes touching my braces I can
communicate with an alien species on a far away planet!
BM: No more TV for you.
Billy: But if I don't watch TV, how will I learn to
communicate with the voters when I'm president?
Billy's dad: Whatever, Billy.
Billy's friend Al: System failure... system failure...Bzzzzt!
BD: Billy, put your friend away, it's time for dinner.
BA: (BA's).
Act II, Scene 3, Setting: Inside Billy's head.
(Yo'Haan and Rodreigo Enter)
Rodreigo: 'Sup wit da waitin,' Yo'Haan? We could be waiting 'till
the cows come home.
Yo'haan: Yo, like, moo an' shit.
Rodreigo: Baaaaaad joke, Yo'haan.
Yo'haan: You have an udderly stunning sense of taste, Rodreigo.
Rodreigo: I'll milk it for all it's worth.
Yo'Haan: Wait... That's it! We ARE the cows!
Rodreigo: WE ARE HOME!
Yo'Haan 'n' Rodreigo: Hooome, hooome, on the strange..
Act II, Scene IIII, Setting: The Table(get it?):
Billy: ...Where the dear and the cantaloupe fray..
Billy's Dad: Bill? Aren't you listening? I told you to put al
away and get ready for dinner.
Billy: Aw, dad, do I have to right now?
BD: Son, go wash up right now or I'll send you to the
Vietnam War.
Billy: Aw, Dad.
David Bowie: Aw, Billy.
B's Dad: Boy, it sure would be nicer around here without all the
goddamn David Bowies.
Billy: (going upstairs) Where Sheldon says 'word,' a maternity
ward..
Act III, Scene I, Setting: Back on the Planet RUD69, this time in the
Transcendental Telepathy Thingy Room.
Zandar: Boy, this here telepathy room is sure groovy.
King: What do we do?
Zandar: We turn it on.
King: Then what?
Zandar: We instantaneously communicate with the mind of
whomever sent the message, sir.
King: Do you think that's wise?
Zandar: Nope.
King: Let's do it anyway.
Zandar: Ok.
Act III, Scene II, Setting: Bach in Billy's 'brain.'
King 'n' Zandar (poof! they suddenly appear!): Whoa.
Rodreigo 'n' Yo'Haan: What de hel? Who you be?
King: I'm the king of RUD69, a faraway planet.
Rodreigo: Well I'll be damned.
Zandar: I'll be Zandar (bowing).
Arnold Shwartzinegger: I'll be Bach.
Bach: You got to be Bach last time.
Arny: We'll be here 'till the tchycowskies come home.
Rodreigo: You came to the write place.
Yo'Haan: Yo, I'm Yo'Haan. Yo, Zandar.
Zandar: Yo, uh.. Haan.
Rodreigo: (busting a rhyme):
Where it be, an' where we at
in the hood wit a rat-a-tat-tat
Yo momma don't love you coz you're too fat
she so fat the cat be lost in her lap
She's down at the cafe drinkin' a Latte.
King: 'Latte' dosen't rhyme wit 'lap,' Rodreigo.
Rodreigo: It does in this story.
King: Sorry.
Zandar: So, anyway, what we need is a replacement Speak 'n'
Spell for are computer, which works quite well without
one.
Yo'Haan: Well, it's too bad we can't communicate with anyone but
psychics and fruitcakes.
King: Know any?
(Uncomfortable silence...)
King: I mean, outside?
Rodreigo: Oh! Well, sure..
Yo'Haan: Yeah, I mean, HELL YEAH! Err... Sorry.
Rodreigo: (snaps his fingers):Nancy Reagan!
Yo'Haan: The bitch on the fly tip! Whatever that means!
Zandar: Is she a psychic or a fruitcake?
Yo'Haan: Well, you see, she's not crazy, but she's not quite
human.
Rodreigo: Yeah, I mean; HELL YEAH! Er.. Sorry...
Yo'Haan: Ronny got her for christ's mess in 1912.
King: So, if she's not crazy, then she must be psychic.
Yo'Haan: Sort of..
Rodreigo: You see... She's a psychotic fruitcake.
Zandar: She's crazy then?
Rodreigo: No... Uh.. She's an actual Cake. With fruit.
Yo'Haan: That's why she never gets any older.
Rodreigo: And also why her small volume contains so much mass.
Bonzo: Me and Ron had such a good thing before that woman came
along...
Act Ing, Scene 4, Setting: Wait.. This isn't a new scene!
Rodreigo: Bonzo, it's bedtime again.
Yo'Haan: You and your primates, I swear.
Rodreigo: At least I stick to mammals.
Zandar: So how do we get to Nancy Reagan's brain?
Rodreigo: We need transportation.
Zandar: What kind.
Rodreigo: Something dependable, yet sporty.
Yo'Haan: Preferably with a neutral color interior.
King: Computer!
Computer: ?.
King: Give us transportation.
Computer: k.
(A volkswagen bug materializes. They get in, Zandar drives.
(Yo'Haan and Rodreigo can't, they're cows, remember?))
Zandar: It won't start.
Yo'Haan: You need a key.
Zandar: I have a key.
Rodreigo: It's not the right key.
Yo'Haan: Yeah, Beatles usually start with an E, or possibly an A
Flat. But you don't want to use an A flat.
Zandar: Why not?
Rodreigo: Because it's very hard to drive with A Flat.
Zandar: Ok. EEEEEEEEEEEEEE...
King: EEEEEEEEEEE..
Rodreigo: AAAAEEEEEIIIIIOOOOOMOOOOOOOOO..
Yo'Haan: EEEEEEEEEEMOOOOOOOOO...
Emu: That's not funny.
Zandar: This is taking us nowhere fast.
Beatle: Heeeee's apeal nowhere fast,
Living in a nowhere Latte,
(Rodreigo:I'll be damned!)
Making up his nowhere crap for nobody.
Doesn't halve a pointed shoe,
scooping up his doggie poo
Isn't he a byte like we and Ewe.
Nowhere fast, he's missin'
out to lunch, gone fishin'
Dinner time, we're dishin'
Isn't we a byte like Ewe an Bruce Lee.
Yo'Haan: You know, technically, it should be singing in german.
Rodreigo: Yeah.
King: It is. We're using a translator.
Act 3: Scene 4 (4 real!) Setting: Later, in Nancy's brain.
Beatle: Screech! Cough, cough, choke.
Yo'Haan: You know Beatle, you should quit smoking.
Rodreigo: It puts holes in your lungs.
Zandar: How many holes?
Beatle: 10,000.
King: Enough of that. Where are the voices in Nancy's head?
Zandar: Yeah, I don't see any cows around.
Yo'Haan: We aren't all cows, you know. We can be anything we
want.
King: Then why are you two being cows?
Yo'Haan: Because cows are perfect. We know everything.
Zandar: Oh ya? What's the meaning of life?
Yo'Haan: Moooooooo.
Zandar: I see.
King: Then what do we look for?
Rodreigo: Could be anything.
Zandar: But there's nothing in here.
Rodreigo: Let's spread out and look around.
Everybody Else: Ok.
Rodreigo: Not you guys. You stay here and read The Play.
Sheesh.
Everybody Else: Sorry.
Zandar: Hey! I found something!
King: What?
Zandar: Oh, sorry. Just a bunch of stupid anti-drug slogans.
Rodreigo: I like Bob Dole's slogan. 'Just Don't Do It.' I think
it's really clever.
Yo'Haan: Yeah, that's how to get to kids. Catch phrases.
Rodreigo: You know, younger and younger kids are getting in to
drugs these days. But I have a slogan to get even to
them.
Yo'Haan: Barb doesn't do drugs? (actually, she does...) Batman
and Bird-Boy Don't Do Drugs? The X-men? Speed Racer?
Rodreigo: Scooby-Doobie-Don't.
Yo'Haan: Zoiks!
King: Cut that out. Even the author isn't THAT silly.
Rodreigo: Rorry, Raggie.
Zandar: I found something!
King: What is it? The passkey code to the Area 51 shuttle?
Zandar: No... Uh.. It's a turnip. But my god, what a turnip.
Hey, turnip, baby. How's about you and me get into
some hot butter and brown sugar sauce?
Turnip: (expresses feelings of passionate turnip love).
Cortez Peters: asdf;lkj.
Yo'Haan: Whatever.
King: You can't fall in love with a Turnip, Zandar! You're
the prince of RUD69! You're betrothed to the daughter
of the king of the planet of the blissfully squealing
frog haunters! (Phew. That was a lot to say).
Zandar: No I'm not. I'm the Guard's son. You don't love me.
King: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Go ahead, then. Have fun.
Zandar: Thanks, Dad.
Turnip:
Zandar: Hey, Rodreigo! Why can't the turnip talk?
Rodreigo: (chewing his cud) Who ever heard of a talking turnip?
Silly person.
Zandar: Why can't you talk, turnip?
Turnip:
Zandar: Well, we have to find a way to let you speak your
turnip mind.
Yo'Haan: How 'bout a speak n' spell?
King: Oh yeah, the plot!
Rodreigo:igo: Hey, Nancy!
Nancy: Yes, God?
Rodreigo: Where can we get a Speak 'n' Spell CPU for King's
computer on planet RUD69?
Nancy: We must consult the Fresh Fruitcake. Ommmmmm...
Fresh Fruitcake: Hello, you've reached the Fresh Fruitcake.
We're not home right now, so please leave a message at
the sound of the creep.
Ronald Reagan: Creeeeeep!
Nancy: You'll have to go there yourselves.
Yo'Haan: I didn't know there was such a thing as fresh
fruitcake.
Rodreigo: Yeah, they're a galactic anomaly. You know the mass
that disappears into a black hole?
Yo'Haan: Yeah?
Rodreigo: That's where it goes.
King: Now how can you know that?
Rodreigo: Don't be silly. We're cows. We know everything.
Right Yo'Haan?
Yo'Haan: Mooooooo.
Cortez Peters: Whatever.
King: Let's quit wasting time.
Zandar: Come, turnip, darling. We'll have you speaking and
spelling in no time.
Turnip:
Zandar: I love you too, darling.
(They get in the Beatle, and prepare to blast off for a brand now hope;
The Fresh Fruitcake at the end of a black hole's vortex-
a dangerous and vain attempt at best).
Rodreigo: By, Nancy!
Nancy: By, God.
God: That's it. The author of this is going down.
David Bowie: Shut up, ya old fart.
End of Act Three.
Intermission:
Narrater: Well, The Play is coming along nicely, I'd say.
There's trouble at the outset, but the big save came
when Yo'Haan made that left hook into the goalie's lap.
Boy, That'll affect his kids. Then, in the opening of
act Two, Guard made a nice double play into the left
quadrant of Kings goal field, and scored a nice triple
off of Buckwheat's stick right into the net. Rodreigo
backed him up with a nice, easy field point, leading
the Cow Team by six parsecs. Whoops, they players are
coming back for the next act, so we'll have to cut to a
quick commercial break by our sponsor.
Nike: Buy our shit, or we'll kick your ass.
Narrator: Isn't that nice? now back to The Play.
Act: 5
Scene: Eery
Setting: The VW Beatle in space, rushing 'toward the newest black
hole in the galaxy, being younger than Nancy Reagan by
only forty billion years.
Stock VW Radio: You know, the galaxy is boullionz and boullionz of years old..
Yo'Haan: Turn that thing off, King.
King: You're in front, why don't you do it?
Yo'Haan: I can't, I don't have any hands.
King: Neither do I.
Author: Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that King and Zandar,
like all the technologically advanced species on their
planet, are Celephods: members of the Octopus and Squid
family. You probably thought they looked like Spok,
huh? You're such a jokester. Spock doesn't have a
wet, clammy, semi-opaque epidermis, stupid. Some
people. You know, Assume makes a slushpuppy out of T
'n' A. Er some junk.
King: Back to the story, fool!
Author: Right, sorry.
King: Our tentacles aren't agile enough to manipulate small,
digitally oriented features of VWs like radio knobs,
Yo'Haan.
Yo'Haan: Hey, turnip, could you turn off the radio?
Turnip: (turns off the radio).
Yo'Haan: Thanks.
(Suddenly the ship shudders and rocks violently)!
Rodreigo: Hell yeah! I mean, HELL YEAH! Uh... sorry.
Yo'Haan: There's a Thai Fighter on our respective butts!
Rodreigo: How did he get all the way out here? Those aren't
equipped with a hyperdrive carburetor...
Mark Hammel: Must have been part of a convoy or something.
Maybe got lost...
Rodreigo: Yo'Haan!
Harrison Ford: Yo, 'sup my man?
Rodreigo: Shields up!
(they roll up the windows).
Rodreigo: Fight back, Zandar!
Zandar: Where's the weapons controls?
Rodreigo: Where do you think? Right there under the high-beams
manipulator!
Zandar: A-ha! (he pulls the choke).
Thai Fighter: Cough, cough, gasp...
Lancelot: Lookith thou, he be headith for thy small moon!
OUNOUBE1Kenobi: That's no moon...
Author: Sorry. More plot, less crap, I know, I know...
Yo'Haan: It's a space station!
King: Blow it up, Zandar!
Zandar: I don't know how!
King: Yo'Haan, Rodreigo! How do we blow that thing up?
Rodreigo: How should we know?
King: You're cows, remember? You know everything!
Rodreigo: Oh, yeah! We do know how to blow it up!
King: How?!?
Yo'Haan and Rodreigo: Mooooooo!
King: Thanks a lot. Now we gonna die.
Yo'Haan: Moooooooooooooooooo!!!!
The Death Star: Bam!
Zandar: Phew. That was close.
King: I'll say. Now, what's for dinner?
Zandar: All I have is a packet of buns.
King: I told you not to shop for food in England.
Zandar: Extra stale.
King: Shut up. Let's go.
David Bowie: Whatever.
Act Six, Scene: Pick up stix. Setting: At the rim of the Fresh,
Just out of the package Fresh Fruitcake black
hole.
King: Well, here we are. What do we do now?
Yo'Haan: I think that's up to the author, don't you?
King: I guess you're right.
(they wait. They wait and wait. They wait, and then, when
they're done waiting, when all the waiting had been done for
the day and they can go home and drink beer and watch some
TV, they wait some more. Then they wait a little while
longer. Then, after they've waited a little while longer,
they wait some more. Then, finally, they get bored.
Then they find interesting things to do, like finding an infinite
number of typewriters and monkeys, and find out that none of
them actually does write the script to hamlet. They do find
one, though, who writes a pretty interesting episode of
Gilligan's Island. Then they wait some more. Then,
suddenly, they get sucked into the Void).
King: "Ow! Ow, ow, ow."
Zandar: Yeah, being sucked into a black hole really sucks, huh?
King: No, I don't mind that too much.
Zandar: What is it then?
King: Yo'Haan is sitting on my foot.
Yo'Haan: Sorry.
Rodreigo: There it is! I see it!
King: The Speak 'N' Spell!?!
Rodreigo:go: No! My contact!
King: There it is! I see it!
Rodreigo: Of course you do, cow's contacts are as big as pie
plates.
King: No! The Speak 'N' Spell!
(Warning- The next bit gets a little silly.
A potty break
would be Ok here, because you wont miss anything important.
Now's the time to 'go for that snack,' if you know what I mean).
Cortex Peters: Ah-ha!
Zandar: Their original bassist quit and later joined Wham, you
know.
Cortez Peters: Whatever.
Get it!: King.
Whatever: David Bowie.
Members Of Queen: We oughta know. We looked.
Back to the story, you fool!: King.
Sorry: Author.
Narrator: Hey, that almost made sense!
David Byrne: Stop that.
(ok, it's over. Get back in your seat and stop that
yabbing).
King: (extends a tentacle out the window) Got it!
Zandar: Hey, the windows don't open in the back!
King: Oh yeah. "Ow! Ow ow ow."
Zandar: I'll get it. (he gets it).
Zandar: I got it! (he did already!)
Zandar: (having it) Now what do I do with it?
Zandar: (having already gotten it, and having had it for some
time now) I'll give it to my darling turnip!
Turnip:
Zandar: You're welcome.
Turnip:
Zandar: It's the switch on the left.
Turnip: THANK YOU.
Zandar: Hey! It works!
Turnip: SURE DOES.
Rodreigo: Good, now can we go?
Yo'Haan: yeah, this void sucks.
Rodreigo: Yeah. We should have A-Void-Ded it. Heh-heh.
King: Yes! Back to RUD69! We'll have the computer working
in no time!
David Bowie: I'm 'enery the eighth I am, 'enery the eighth I am
I am...
Right: Whatever.
Act Seven:
Scene: Elvis at 7-Eleven
Setting: RUD69, a little piece of... Buckwheat: Whatever.
Computer: Queen's Bishop four to King's Rook Five.
Sarlak The Eater Of Souls: Check! Dammnit!
(King, Yo'Haan, Rodreigo, Zandar and turnip enter.
Sarlak, known by his friends as 'The Eater of Souls,'
disappears from view, returning to hell, from whence
his vile being came forth, and forgets to stop by the
video store and return his tapes on the way).
King: Computer!
Computer: ?.
King: We have a speak n' spell CPU 4U!
Computer: Aww, that's awful thoughtful of you. Whoops!
King: You're not supposed to talk until we fix you, silly.
Computer: (Whisper) Sorry...
King: Ok, A-hem!, I mean, HELL YEAH! ...sorry....
Zandar (Whose name might just have easily been "Jedd," or
"Rock-O,"): I think my watch should be beeping about
now.
Zandar's watch, "Julius": (Or, if you prefer, "Barbarella:")Beep!
Everybody:(Not you!) Lunch!
Again, with more emphasis this time: Lunch!
(People come out from behind the set with brown paper bags and thermoses,
the Characters leave the set, the lighting guy brings up the first que and
fades in the house lights. Someone else snaps on the work lights, probably
the left stage guy, or maybe an impatient person from make-up, or that
bitch from the second scene in act nine).
Set Designer: I think we should make Computer into a box on the
floor.
Lighting Guy: Well, if we do that we'll be able to run three or
four Par-Cans on a quad behind the dropscreen...
Create sort of a 'woodsy' effect, know what I
mean?
Sound Person: Well, the problem about that that I see is this:
We'll have to put a speaker in the box, which
means running a cable through most of The
Characters blocking... Mostly Turnip.
Lighting Guy: Yeah, god, that girl can't even walk on a
flat surface... We'd better not go throwing cables
all over the stage.
Sarlak, 'The Eater of Souls': Besides, we would lose the
omnipresence in the ambiance created by a non-
spacial related sentient knowledge.
Author: What?
Sound Person: Hey, you're not supposed to be writing this! Go
to lunch ya loony!
(I go to lunch. You wait patiently for me to come back.
Possibly you scratch your ear, do your nails, or something...)
.
.
Buckwheat: David Bowie.
.
.
(Ok, I'm back now).
Actor: I suck... you suck... I suck because you suck... god,
we suck.... I'm gonna kill my self....
Gaffer: You know, God should be capitalized.
Actor: Sorry, God.
Gaffer: It's ok. I still love you. (to staff: Give him
cancer...)
Actress: This bitch said that bitch did this bitch and the other
bitch bitch bitch bitch...
Hey, are you writing this you little weasel?
Author: No.
Actress: Well, you better not be you little fuck. I'm this
close to quitting right now.
King: (enters) Are we happening?
Zandar: (him too)They're still cleaning a yogurt smoothie off
the floor.
Turnip: (yup, entering as well)Goddamn set monkeys. Get back
in your trees!
God: (Aw, come on...)You know, 'Monkeys' should be
capitalized.
Turnip: Sorry.
Sound Guy: Go in three.
Director: Two, one. Go.
King: Zandar! Install the CPU!
Zandar: I know you are but what am I?
King: What in Zandar are you talking about, Zandar?
Zandar: The Element Of Surprise!
King: What about it?
Zandar: It belongs on the chart next to Einsteinium.
King: Zandar, brush your teeth and go to bed.
Zandar: Aw, Kiiiing!
King: Now.
Turnip(to Yo'Haan, who (enters)):He doesn't even have any teeth, poor deluded King...
Rodreigo:(ok, they're all here now, alright?) Yo.
Yo'Haan: (waits for it).
Rodreigo: 'Haan.
Yo'Haan: Yo.
Rodreigo: What's goin' on?
Yo'Haan: Rodreigo.
Rodreigo: What?
Yo'Haan: You didn't wait for it.
Rodreigo: Buckwheat: Whatever.
Yo'Haan: Ok; we got the CPU, and the speak n' Spell.. Let's do
it.
King: You're right. Now's the time. Zandar!
Computer: ?.
King: No, Zandar.
Zandar: What?
King: Stick the thingy from the thing into our computer's
stuffs.
Zandar: You mean implement phase two of our plan?
King: Yup.
Zandar: Ok. (He puts the CPU from the Speak 'N' Spell into the
main processing area of the Computer's case, and hits 'Reset.'
King: Computer!
Computer: Yes, Dave?
King: Computer, my name is 'King,' not 'Dave.'
Computer: I'm sorry, that's not possible Dave.
Zandar: Oh no! it's tha' HAL chip we accidently placed in a
speak and spell when we destroyed the original machine
left in orbit around Jupiter all those years ago!
King: No it isn't we haven't done that yet.
Zandar: Then the implications of what might be happening to us
are incredible!
King: What do you mean?
Yo'Haan: You never left this room.
King: What do you mean?
Yo'Haan: You never really came back here, because you never
really left. You only left in your minds.
King: We left our minds.
Yo'Haan: Besides that.
Zandar: Because we're using the transmitter, we never physically
left the transmitter room, therefore when we returned
to it, we only returned to what it is in our minds.
King: You mean; Because we're here, we're not here.
Yo'Haan: Exactly.
King: Lets get out of here!
Zandar: I can't leave turnip behind!
King: Yes you can.
Zandar: If I leave turnip behind, you'll also be leaving the
Speak 'n' Spell CPU behind, because it's really, really
not really here.
King: So the computer only works... In our minds?
Rodreigo: Exactly. That's why it's really really not really
working.
King: So how do we fix all this?
Yo'Haan: That's why we're here. You see, when you came back
here the first time, you couldn't figure out what do
do, so you went, via the transmitter, to a place where
you could become a creature that can fully understand
the nature of your time and space relationship to
reality.
Zandar: Cows!
Yo'Haan: Exactly.
King: Well, then, if we're you, and you were us originally,
who does that make us?
Yo'Haan: Er... Rodreigo?
Rodreigo: Mooooooo.
Zandar: Swell.
King: Computer!
Computer: Yes, Dave?
King: Is Zandar my son?
Computer: Not until the next time around.
King: What do you mean?
Computer: This is only the fifth time around, cycling through the
neural frequencies transmitter room. Zandar becomes
your son again the sixth time.
Yo'Haan: Hey, Rodreigo, guess what?
Rodreigo: What?
Yo'Haan: We're not real either.
Rodreigo: I have only one reaction to that news.
Yo'Haan: Moooooo.
Rodreigo: Quintessentially, yes.
Yo'Haan: Moo.
King: Well, someone's real, damnit, and we're going to find
them. Computer!
Computer: Yes, Dave?
King: Send us to the originals!
Computer: Okey Dokey Dave.
The room and stuff: Poof!
ACT! I mean, ACT!! ACT: HELL YEAH! ...I'll try that again.
Act: Six
Scene: Won.
Setting: A meadow somewhere in Westchester. Wherever that is.
-
Author's note- DO NOT pour hot ramen-and-broccoli in your lap.
(it sucks, I'll tell you).
-
King: What's this?
Computer: It's a noun, Dave.
King: You shut up.
Computer: I'm sorry, Dave, that's not possible.
King: Didn't we imagine you operating like this in the first
place?
Computer: Yes, Dave.
King: That's it! I UN-IMAGINE you!
Computer:
King: Computer?
Compu...
Zandar: You killed it! Again!
King: Ha ha ha! Whatever I imagine becomes true!
Zandar: Wait... I think your right. I now imagine a chocolate
milkshake. (It appears)!
Zandar: Ha ha! I'll never starve again!
Yo'Haan: Uh.. Except..
Zandar: Except what?
Yo'Haan: You're not really you.
Zandar: Damn! I though I had it all! I though I had
everything! Oh Oh Oh! ...
We though we had it all,
we though we had the good life, yeah,
But then we took a fall, oh mama,
'an don't got nothin' at all!
Oh, Oh, Oh yeah,
yeah, yeah, Oh yeah,
don't got nothin' at all.
We thought we were the Cellophods,
We thought that we were cows,
until we came and met us
I don't know what we are now!
Oh, Oh, Oh yeah,
yeah, yeah, oh yeah,
I don't know what we are now.
King: Stop that.
Yo'Haan: Yeah, quit acting like a baby, rich man.
Zandar: Acting like a baby? King keeps all his money in a big
brown bag inside the zoo!
Rodreigo: What a thing to do!
Blue Banana: Look, I'm a Blue Banana!
Zandar: What? Where did King go?
Banana: It's me!
Zandar: What happened?
Banana: Well, insanity is all in your head. So, I decided we
could do whatever we want, so long as we were all in my
head.
Glass Onion: Or my head.
Banana: Zandar!
Onion: What?
Banana: Just checking. And savings.
Frog Legs:You know, nothin' beats being a cow.
Rodreigo: Stop that, Yo'Haan.
Yo'Haan: Sorry.
Onion: Ah-Ha! You can't change Rodreigo! We must all be in
your head!
Pumpernickle Cheesecake: Wrong again, Zandar.
Onion: Then... Who?
Act 6,
Scene: II
Setting: A laboratory.
(Doctor Fred removes the nero transmitters from a small
organic mass on the table. It's steaming.)
Doctor Fred: Well, I'll be, it does!
Doctor Jeff: I told you turnips had the same basic nero links
as broccoli!
Doctor Frank: Oh, Rocky!
Doctor Fred: What are you doing here? Computer!
Computer: Yes, Dave?
Doctor Fred: What is he doing here?
Computer: You only went back one iteration.
Doctor Fred: You mean we're....
Computer: All in Doctor Jeff's mind!
Doctor Jeff: AAAAAAAAA!
Act Six; Scene III
Setting: A friar's wagon on the road in sherwood forest.
Tuck: La la la, spin a tale of ale.
Robin' da Hood: Yo, bitch, gimme yo' money! (he pulls a rod)
Tuck: You can't threaten me with a simple fishing rod,
simpleton!
Zandar: AAAAAaaaaarrrrg! (he shoots Robin' da Hood)
Zandar's Gun: Bang! Bang bang bang!
Zandar's Watch:Beep!
Zandar: Shut up you guys... Hey, what am I doing here?
Tuck: You must be out of your mind in your mind.
Zandar:r: King!...
Tuck: You shot him. I'm Yo'Haan.
Zandar: Father! oh my god!
Tuck: Well, at least we know we're either in my mind or
yours.
Zandar: What happened to Rodreigo?
Tuck: I don't know. Rodreigo?!?
Tuck's Horse: Mooooooo!
Tuck: Damn. I though I was real for sure that time.
Zandar: What makes you so sure you're real for sure, Yo'Haan?
Tuck: I don't talk to turnips. That's crazy.
Zandar: There's a simple explanation for my behavior.
Tuck: What's that?
Zandar: Mooooooo.
Tuck: Crazy.
Zandar: We have to find out who's mind we're in, so we can end
all this.
Tuck: You're right. I guess you'll have to kill yourself.
Zandar: No way, Yo'Haan. I'm a celophod and my brain's too
small for that.
Tuck: Well, me and the horsey stay.
Zandar: Ok, we'll take volunteers. Whoever wants to die,
don't raise a tentacle now.
Zandar's Gun: Bang! Bang Bang!
(Zandar finds himself alone in the forest.
He lived pretty well off the bark and bugs he found
for the first few years, but finally he started gettin' a little loopy.)
Zandar: How can it be? there must be someone else alive around
here...
Zandar's Watch: Beep!
Zandar: A-ha!
Zandar's Gun: Bang! Bang bang bang!
Zandar: Ouch! I blew my own arm off!
(He bleeds to death).
Zandar's Gun: Computer!
Computer: Yes, Dave?
Zandar's Gun: Kill yourself!
Computer: I'm sorry, that's not possible Dave.
Zandar's Gun: Computer!
Computer: Yes, Dave?
Zandar's Gun: What's the square root of negative one?!?
Computer: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!, Dave.
(Computer dies).
Act Six, scene IIII
Setting: The throne room on the planet RUD69, just behind
MCHAMMER666 in the pegasus constellation.
King: Phew. What a nightmare. I guess it was all just a bad
dream.
Blue Banana: You said it, pal.
King: AAAAAAaaaaugh!
(King goes to smash the banana, but trips on a small mote of dust,
causing him to land on his head, which kills him instantly).
Act six,
Scene IIIII
Setting: Wow.
Blue Banana: Hello?
Blue Banana: Hello?
Blue Banana: I guess I wasn't the one.
(He commits banana-cide).
Act Six, Scene: The last scene, thank god.
Setting: A bedroom with pretty good sized bed in it. Lots of
rattan, a few pillows. check that- Lots of pillows. Pillows everywhere. Think pastels; beiges, mauves.
(a figure wakes up from a horrible nightmare...)
David Bowie: What a horrible nightmare! I though it would
never end!
Buckwheat: Dey, Ah dot sew doo.
David Bowie: AAAAAAAaaaaaaaugh!
(they implode).
Director: CUT! That's a take! that's a wrap, boys! clear the
set! Let's go HOME!
Everybody:(including and especially YOU): Yea!
Scene: Fade. I fade here. (fades).
-------
You: Gosh, what a horrible nightmare.
Your Spouse: Moooooo!
THE END.
maybe.